queenlyzard

via kittylady

Proposed humorous names for H1N1 flu and related concepts. Definitely read the comments. Includes:

Names that make sense include: pigfluenza and heinie flu (pronouncing H1N1 as if it were a word. Catchphrase: don't let it kick your ass)

Names that make no sense but are hilarious anyway: Ham and Eggsema, Sowmonella, babeonic plague

Terms for a grouping of cases: snoutbreak, hamdemic, aporkalypse.

I love you, intarwebz.

Ok, we all know I'm a slob and a packrat, but this has to be recorded for posterity.

Among the things I just found in a box approximately 1 foot square and containing primarily origami things:

- A full-sized container of white glue that I've been looking for for ages
- part of a broken telephone headset from at least 6 years ago
- a bar of partially melted chocolate
- an allergy symptoms questionnaire from my doctor's office (current one, amazingly enough)
- a set of plastic utensils from Delta Airline, still wrapped in their now-greatly-rumpled paper napkin and encircling label.
- a nearly empty roll of packing tape
- black plastic tinsel
- a notebook
- a sample-sized packet of personal lubricant
- a sandwich baggie of woefully old cracker crumbs
- an unopened package of mulling spices
- an amusement park token from I-don't-know-where or when
- a scrunchie, an empty mini-whoppers wrapper, an advertisement from our bookstore's last Christmas sale, and several cloth face-masks.

...WTF, self? What's truly sad is that I'm not throwing most of it out, either. Also, I didn't find either of the two things I was actually looking for. I am also now slightly scared to look anywhere else.

http://averagecats.com/ :the antidote to LOLcats. Via staysonpaper

You may also enjoy cute animal photos with snarky comments at f. u. penguin.

Pic heavy link coming up, but I just have to post it.

Disney Princes Calendar Pages. (Disney guys drawn as semi-realistic pin-ups).

Awesome? Hilarious? Hot? Disturbing as all Hell? All of the above and then some. You will never see "Enchanted" the same way again. Or "The Little Mermaid," for that matter. Meeeeow!

Blame bottledgoose

Here, have two awesome videos, courtesy of westrider .

Cat+Faucet=Hilarity



And for this one, I'm stealing not only the video but also westrider's comment on it, because I can't say it any better myself: "Tuvan Throat Singing, Vladivostok, Yul Brynner, Richard Feynman, cool sunglasses, I have no idea what it's all about, but it's really cool"

Nice, to-the-point little political article borrowed from this website via uu_mom

"This morning I was awoken by my alarm clock powered by electricity generated by the public power monopoly regulated by the US department of energy. I then took a shower in the clean water provided by the municipal water utility.

"After that, I turned on the TV to one of the FCC regulated channels to see what the national weather service of the national oceanographic and atmospheric administration determined the weather was going to be like using satellites designed, built, and launched by the national aeronautics and space administration. I watched this while eating my breakfast of US department of agriculture inspected food and taking the drugs which have been determined as safe by the food and drug administration.

"At the appropriate time as regulated by the US congress and kept accurate by the national institute of standards and technology and the US naval observatory, I get into my national highway traffic safety administration approved automobile and set out to work on the roads built by the local, state, and federal departments of transportation, possibly stopping to purchase additional fuel of a quality level determined by the environmental protection agency, using legal tender issued by the federal reserve bank. On the way out the door I deposit any mail I have to be sent out via the US postal service and drop the kids off at the public school.

"Then, after spending another day not being maimed or killed at work thanks to the workplace regulations imposed by the department of labor and the occupational safety and health administration, I drive back to my house which has not burned down in my absence because of the state and local building codes and the fire marshall's inspection, and which has not been plundered of all its valuables thanks to the local police department.

"I then log onto the internet which was developed by the defense advanced research projects administration and post on freerepublic and fox news forums about how SOCIALISM in medicine is BAD because the government can't do anything right."

Here, have a funny video aboot Canada. *sigh* If only it didn't get so cold there!

Cat v. printer. (nabbed from a recommendation by narcissisma to padparadscha )

Today is a Rest Day for me. It's amazing how mechanic-ing, while only slightly uncomfortable at the time, can leave one incredibly sore all over the next day.



EDIT: Oh! This one with the digital music is way cool too! (same source)



EDIT OF THE EDIT: And this one about dancing hands and skeletons and so on, even if it is a little twisted.

I saved the best for last. These are quotes from the real life of myself and my roommates, plus a few random ones thrown in. No gaming, just the insane silliness that was our home. *Sigh* I admit, I got over Berto pretty quickly when he left-- but one thing I will say, the guy sure could make people laugh.

[btw-- yes, my real name shows up in here a few times-- I couldn't be bothered to change it. I would, however, appreciate it if those of you who know what it is continue to refer to me only by my screenname on LJ. I'm paranoid-- go figure]


( lengthy, but worth it )

Consisting of stuff nabbed from old High School friends and their gaming group(s):


Dave (The Horde): You are drawn towards the castle by large and obvious plot hooks
Gamer: I try to walk away...
Dave: The plot hooks waggle menacingly.

Dave (The Horde): One more word out of you and you're off to the fire mine. To mine fire. It hurts.

Liz (the Horde): I'm Satan's Mistress. I have evil privileges. SO RESPECT MY AUTHORITAY AND CALL MY MOMMY!

Liz and Pheebs (Hordlings): "Wow, your lips are really sparkly." "Yeah, well, I ate a fairy this morning."

(?): "Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."

Steve (The Horde): "Hey, I'm a Paladin! It's my job to open divine cans of whup-ass on stuff!" 

Horde Lore: "You have a longsword named Katana"

Payton: I'm sorry, but all dark gods are busy with other sacrifices right now. Please stay on the line. Your sacrifice is important to us.


...As much as D&D drives me up the wall, I really do wish I'd been around for the Horde campaigns. I have heard such stories from those guys...!

ok, inspired by this post, I have dredged up the old Computerized Makeshift Official Quotelist from many years ago-- a compilation of gaming quotes and other hilarious sayings from my then-bf (Roberto/Berto), our college friends, his college friends, and my high-school friends-ish. I'm going to try to weed out the completely context-dependent ones, tidy them up into categories, and post them here. Apologies in advance to anyone who recognizes themselves or others or notices a misquoted or mis-attributed line-- I know our records were far from perfect.


Part One: Scenes from Roberto's College Gaming Group (as far as I know, this consisted of D&D and Vampire the Masquerade):

( under cut and in chunks for easier reading )

Really, this kind of humor was the only part of gaming I ever truly loved.

Blue food dye helps rats recovery from spinal injuries-- for real. Thanks bottledgoose !

Wedding invitation will list the same name twice! (thanks to karnythia for the link)

Click here for the rockingest video you have ever seen. It will knock your socks halfway to China, unless you're already in China, in which case it will knock your socks somewhere else.

(bottledgoose , I am eternally in your debt)

Science + Comedy = um... Comedy. With Powerpoints.

Courtesy of morgansong

Website made of awesome. Ganked from siderea 

...even though I did kinda enjoy the Twilight books as nice light reading. The movie looks appalling, though.

I've seen this in a couple places, and it's just done brilliantly. Enjoy: Buffy vs. Edward

Worth watching.

NOT safe for work or children.

Blame karnythia 

The Plight of Clownana

So, there's this website that has been eating ALL My Spare Time lately. If you have ever worked in retail or customer service of any kind, you need to check out "notalwaysright.com". But consider yourself warned-- you will waste HOURS here, being alternately convinced that humanity  as a whole is beyond hope of any kind, and that occasional people are made of awesome.

(Thank you dreams_cametrue for the hours of hilarity and hair-tearing)

Marriage, the proper Biblical way. Thank you barenakedrachel !!!!

Nice little satyric video about gay marriage, courtesy of uu_mom


I liked this one a lot too...

I sincerely apologize for the last entry. To make it up to you, here's a video made of pure win, courtesy of the incomparable padparadscha .



Enjoy, my friends, and forgive me.

Have some irreverent hilarity while you're at it. "My Cat is a Christian!"

Also, otters playing, more cute bunnies than you can  handle, something from the weird but cute category, and yes, baby bats in little blankies.

*provides emergencry resuscitation for everyone who just died of cute*

video snagged from uu_mom , who as always, has a charming sense of humor.

Food Art?  And too much fun: the Somen Noodle Slide! Also, Taco Bell Drive-Through Song For The Ultimate Win. ...I love you, Interwebz.

(What's embarrassing is the fact that I ran across these links while poking around Amazon.com to see if they'd put up any new apologies for/explanations of last week's unacceptable fuckery.)

I have to say that I love the fact that my bf is Black, and I am nominally Jewish, and the two of us regularly tease one another about all things Racial and both end up laughing our heads off. We have serious discussions about race, too, and both tend to end up agreeing, which is also nice. But it's the inappropriate conversations which are truly wonderful.

The other night we got into a discussion about What Would the Founding Fathers Think of Obama?
( Quite possibly only funny if you were there. Not Safe for serious racial dialog )


WARNING: The following is Not Safe For Work, Home, School, or Anywhere else, probably including the internet. But I just have to post it anyway... (snagged from someone I forget who on Metaquotes under a discussion about books). *is very sorry for posting this as a White person*

Thank you uu_mom for posting this. I may have to consider moving to this town...

If you've got ten minutes to spare, I suggest you spend them watching this wonderfully surreal and increasingly hilarious little film called "Flat Life." If follows the daily adventures of four apartment tenants with a minimal soundtrack and random panda. Trust me, it gets better if you just keep watching. (Thank you, oh zarq , provider of cool links)

This one, on the other hand, is just feckin' weiyd. I only include it on account of that fact that it's entitled "The Tits Have Escaped!" and it does, in fact, involve rampant (maneating) tits on the loose, among many other things. It's funny in the way that only really random stuff can be.

A great little video clip. Thank you splodgenoodles !

I wasn't going to do this meme, but then I checked just out of curiosity, and had to post the results.  Thank you, virginia_fell .

1. Grab the book nearest you. Right now. Don't dig for your favorite book, the coolest, the most intellectual. Use the CLOSEST.
2. Turn to page 56.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post that sentence along with these instructions in your LiveJournal.

I counted that as the 5th complete sentence, not counting the one which started in the middle at the top of the page.

Oh dear.  Oh deary deary dear.

( cut for extreme impropriety: you have been warned )

It wasn't even one of my naughty books, Bob damn it!  It was "Time Pressure" by Spider Robinson.  About which I am now even more curious than before.

I think he may well be the only white comedian who could get away with making black jokes about Obama... thank you malanai for this clip!!!


</lj>

So, I know all of you are just dying to know what was up with that post a while back where I asked you for weird boyfriend names.  There is, not surprisingly, a story behind that...  Now let's see if I can tell it in some sort of coherent order.

I believe I did mention that I recently got my first car, and that it was a hand-me-down from my grandmother. 

Actually, my grandmother gave it to my brother when she stopped driving (and he had just started), and then I got it after him.  But already I'm getting ahead of myself.

The car is a wonderful tiny old clunker.  She's got a few quirks-- that is to say, parts which are just about falling off.  The radio works fine, and so do the speakers... but the connection between them doesn't.  The upshot of this is that the sound will only come on if one thumps the dashboard vigorously in various spots until the wires meet up right-- resulting in a sore hand by the end of the trip.  Running over a good bump in the road or a pothole (of which there are many in San Diego) can also reset the system-- for better or worse. I have a bad tendency, therefor, to swerve in order to hit bad patches of road-- probably not the best thing for either the car or my reputation as a sane driver.

The air conditioning doesn't work at all, and the heating system pays only partial attention to its instructions.  And I think something in the muffler area needs fixing again.  All that aside, she's a pretty good car-- a 2-door '89 Honda Accord, to be exact.  Her name is Honeybun.  More about that later.

Yes, that's right, my car is 19 years old, the same age as my brother, who was born shortly after my maternal grandfather died.  My mother made an odd comment about that when handing the car over to me.  "My father died," she said, "And the first thing my mother did was to run out and buy herself the car she'd always wanted, that he wouldn't let her have."  (Yes, this is all related).

This was news to me.  I mean, I've known for a while now that my grandparents' romance ended long before their lives did, although as a child of a single mother with no experiences to measure a marriage against, it didn't occur to me that it was odd for them to have separate bedrooms or to never engage in any displays of affection.  I never saw them fight or act unpleasant towards each other either, so I was in fact rather surprised some years ago when my mother told me that her parents had an "estranged" relationship.

My grandfather, who died when I was 8, is someone I remember as a tall, angular man, often laughing, and something of a jack-of-all-trades.  He was, among other things, a pretty good mechanic, and always had around one or more of those enormous, stately, old-fashioned cars which might easily be mistaken for a boat... or possibly a hearse.  They had those wide leather seats which went all the way across, even in front.  I loved those cars.  Apparently, my grandmother didn't.  Considering how tiny she was as an old woman, I guess I'm not surprised that she wanted something a little different.

I believe the car was given to my brother when my grandmother was moved to an apartment, with nursing care, because she'd fallen one too many times at her own home.  After thanking her, he asked "What's her name?"  My mom's cars have always been named.  Grandma claimed the car didn't have a name, but my brother insisted, and the whole family was there, so she thought for a moment, then pronounced firmly "Honeybun.  Her name is Honeybun."  We all laughed and my brother made appalled faces.  Very fitting, I thought.

My mother fretted to me later about it.  "Such an old-lady kind of name," she moaned, "it's not like her at all to come up with something like that!" We were worried at this point about the state of Grandma's mind.  I personally thought the name was brilliant-- and intended to be hilarious.  I assumed she was referring to the semi-raunchy musical number from the musical "South Pacific," but my mother doesn't think she would have known it.  I can't think of the name without humming the tune, though.  Anyways, clever references aside, I think my grandmother very shrewdly and wittily chose a name that she knew darn well no 16-year-old boy would want anywhere near him... and gave it to him along with her car!  That's my grandma to a T.

At last, I bring you to the nub of the matter.  I don't recall whether this started when she got the car or some time afterward, but it became a distinguishing feature of the car years before my brother got it. See, any time anyone looked into the back seat of my grandmother's car, what they saw was this:

And when any of us questioned her, as we invariably did, on the history, nature, or meaning of the stuffed monkey, her answer was always the same.  "Oh that?  That's my boyfriend."  And try as we might, we never got any further explanation from her on the matter.

When my brother adopted the car, he kept the monkey, and now I'm doing the same.  It just wouldn't feel right without it.  I don't know whether to introduce the monkey as my boyfriend or my grandmother's, but I did decide... you guessed it... that he needs a name at long last.

If you have new suggestions with that in mind (I realize my original question wasn't specific enough, but I didn't want to give away the details without the story!), I'm open to them.  So far, though, my favorite suggestion is kjpepper 's "Fabio."  I was kinda thinking "Xavier" myself, but Fabio is even more wonderfully over-the-top.  And thank you all for playing.  I hope it was as much fun for you as it was for me!

On Women.  Oh, how absurdly British.  The one about why women shouldn't drive is good too.

Oh, I shouldn't be laughing at this so much, really I shouldn't.  Here, join in the wrongness with me!

Prop 8, The Musical.  Starring Jack Black as Jesus.  'Nuff said.  Enjoy.

I has my meds again and my roommate made brownies, and I am in a better mood.

Thanks to feyandstrange , I bring you this awesome bit of political-humory-geek-goodness.  Mostly for RPGers, but anyone with a mild streak of geek should get a good giggle out of it.

Courtesy of my Dad.

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada (a very underground paper):

 

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly. Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields at night.

"I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. "He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even get a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective." he said, "The liberals still got through and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk."

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history and English majors does one country need?"

Merci beaucoup and muchas gracias to malanai  for posting the "Hey Sarah Palin" video which led me to the hilarious "Vote Barack" video clip, which will rock your socks off!!!

Well, I'm back to playing Martian Colonist today.  The wind is downright hot, and dry enough that a single breath seems likely to make the interior of my nose crackle into little pieces.  Still, it beats a snowstorm!  Or at least beats being miserably cold without a gorgeous snow-storm to make up for it.

I love San Diego.  People are so random here, so incomprehensibly friendly, interested in a wide variety of odd topics, and all too willing to share those interests with every passing stranger. 

( several entries I've been meaning to make... )
And this entry has gotten far too long in both length and time.  I must fly!  TTYL

Ok, so the other day at work I just couldn't stand our Psychology section anymore because it was a gigantic and horrible mess, so I broke down and snuck off to alphabetize it.  And came to the conclusion that we apparently don't have any customers with OCD at our store, or at least not ones who shop the Psychology section.  Becaaaaause.... if they did, they'd have fixed it by now!  I'm not all that severely OCD-- it's not even an official diagnosis-- but I just can't walk past a bookshelf which loooks like that without at least sticking all of one title in the same spot.

Now it's all pretty.  And if I get back Friday and it's a disaster again, I'll know we have a customer with some sort o more complicated mental quirk who is arranging things according to a pattern I don't understand.  I wouldn't be too surprised, actually.

Bohemian Rhapsody parody, snagged from bluestareyed 

This is made of so much win!

My eternal gratitude to uu_mom for the link (here is link, in case embedding didn't work).

Plus, random funny quote from work, in response to the Herman's Hermits song... "Oh my god, did that song just say 'this girl swings both ways'?"

A short-short history of the emoticon!

(Thank you dreams_cametrue for that link)

The Magic Cards of American Politics.

Thank you rushthatspeaks!

thanks to uu_mom for this clip!

So, while I've never seen Baxter do much digging outside, as some dogs do, he does have a penchant for "burying" favorite toys behind the pillows of the love seat, or behind any sort of sofa or chair cushion, or in a blanket left crumpled up, or in a pile of clean laundry.  It's extrememly amusing watching him do this, but less fun to clean up after, as he has a tendency to scrape his nose open on the rough upholstery and then leave little smears of blood all over.  Even if there is no blood, one doesn't exactly want one's clean undies daubed with dog-nose-slime.  Still, he's really cute about it, as usual.  And he looks so proud of himself when he gets his stuffed kitty properly ensconced in a corner of the couch.

Now, one of the reasons that we suspect Baxter may be part Ridgeback is that he demonstrates a common behavioral trait of the breed, which is that he's pretty well behaved... as long as someone is keeping a close eye on him.  Once the humans leave the room, however, many things become fair game.  Sometimes, I think his excitement and curiousity just gets the better of him and he forgets the rules altogether.  Other times, he knows he's done wrong and will greet us on our return with an apologetically overenthusiastic wag, and the canine version of the facial expression with which small children say "cookies?  What cookies? I didn't see any cookies" whilst dropping crumbs on the carpet.

So, Bonnie told me that she came home the other day to find an entire paper bag full of leftover breakfast bagels conspicuously missing from the countertop where she had left them.  Some of them were the sort that resemble sticky-buns, with cinnamon sugar on top... a fact which became more relevant when she found one of them, as you may by now have guessed, stashed behind a sofa cushion in the living room.  Further exploration revealed three bagels tucked into various pieces of furniture, leaving a further three unaccounted for... I suppose even a big dog like Baxter can't eat six bagels at once, or is at least smart enough not to do so.  He wasn't smart enough to hide the evidence completely, however, and was scolded roundly for the bagel-hiding escapade and spent the rest of the day (figuratively) in the doghouse. 

I do wish I'd been there for the Uncovering of the Stolen Bagels.... but I suspect I would have been laughing far too hard to participate in any doggy-discipline.  Bonnie admits that she had some trouble keeping a straight face too, furious as she was.  And you can bet we'll be looking for cinnamon sugar on every lump in the livingroom chairs for a long time to come.  I still can't quite sit on that sofa without giggling.

 Kitteny Cuteness, courtest of nembrethil 


ps-- now I have to go get ready for work.  And not go back to sleep, wonderful sleep.  I hate PMS.  It's not really that I'm tired, or that I'm in pain, so much as... just, lying perfectly still feels /so/ much better than anything else right now.

Also, re: my dreams last night?  Dear brain, what were you /thinking/?

Well, ok, I remembered some of my intended post while I was in the shower.  (mmm... shower)

So, my roommate's Dad brought his chainsaw with him so he could do some yardwork while he's here, and reminded me why I love him. No, not on account of the fact that he always does a fair bit of handy-manning while he visits (although it is nice).  I love him because... well, just imagine, if you will, a nice older guy who's just about 10 lb and a long beard shy of looking exactly like the traditional Father Christmas... standing on the back patio singing Monty Python's "Lumberjack" song.   That's why.

Mind you, both her parents can talk the hind legs off a donkey.  What is the origin of that saying, anyways?  Occasionally one just has to smile, nod, and try not to let one's eyes glaze over too badly.  But on the whole we do fine so long as we don't get talking about politics.  Because here's the thing: in spite of being very intelligent, caring. open-minded (especially for their generation), and funny people, her parents are also church-going, republican-voting solid Conservatives.  You know, the kind who think the sun shines out of America's ass.  And yet....



OK, it's late, and I've rambled altogether too much and am already dreading the inevitable skirmishes of ideals in the comments.  Do me a favor and, in the spirit of this post, try not to assume too much.  I'm feeling like enough of an ass already :)